In Life

Spice Up Your Sex Life This Valentine’s Day

David and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. In the 1990’s, as a newly married young Christian couple, after hearing our then pastor preach at a Sunday church service what I now know to be a spurious version of St Valentine, David decided he wasn’t going to celebrate the day. The pastor spoke of Valentine’s Day as a day that commemorates someone who died. If I remember clearly, he said the guy died of “love sickness” and people should not celebrate that. I laugh when I think about that now.

After his initial young Christian reaction of not celebrating Val’s Day (I didn’t agree with him) early in our married life, David decided to take a more logical approach to Valentine’s Day. Forget that someone called Valentine ever existed and died, why celebrate one day when many of our days can be like Valentine’s Day? Isn’t it better to create a life with continuous little acts of love and kindness than going overboard on Valentine’s Day? 

Leave that thought there. That’s not the aim of this post. This post is about a Sexy Valentine’s Day for the Christian Mid-lifer.

Are you a convent Nun or a sexy Cat?

Even though things have evolved since my parents generation, talking about sex within the Christian community still feels like we’re in the biblical times. Shockingly, Christian men are straying at an alarming rate and Christian women are keeping their mouths zipped shut or behaving like nuns on the outside. Note, this blog post is not for the Christian sister who feels that any form of creativity in the bedroom is “unspiritual”. You know, the “ama just gonna lay there like a log, be spiritual and wait for it to be over” type of woman. A nun!

To clarify, I’m not saying because a woman behaves like a nun on the outside she’s one in the bedroom. Nah! Admittedly, some nun behaving women might be hot sexy cats behind closed bedroom doors.

On the whole, this post is for the woman who is comatose in the bedroom and open to spicing things up a little bit. A woman who might be stuck in a sexual wilderness. One who’s husband always complains that he ain’t getting enough. A woman who understands men and women are built differently, and realises she’s gotta step it up a bit. Nothing too drastic, just a little step up. 

If you love the Lord and are open to spicing up your sex life without going too extreme, read on! 

Who buys your underwear?  

Does your spouse/partner give you feedback with regards to the sort of lingerie he’d like to see you wearing? If not, have you ever asked him to? 

Read my “Why you should update your underwear at midlife” post.

Men are moved by what they see. Let your spouse choose some of your underwear. That’ll give you an idea of what’s on his mind or how he sees you. If he buys you mummy panties then you are a mummy to him. If he buys you sexy lingerie, then you are sexy to him. Or he wants to find you sexy. 

This is why I let David choose some of my knickers. We go underwear shopping together (in store or online) and he picks out what he likes to see me wearing and pays. I call his knicker choices butt splitting knickers. Thongs that look as if the model’s butt cheeks are split in half, the kind you can imagine a hooker wearing. Remember, men don’t want a nun in the bedroom unless than man has a nun fetish. 

Some of my believer sisters might say this is a bit much. But then ask yourself the question, why are so many Christian men falling? Despite all the prayer going into marriages working, why is there so much infidelity in the church? Why does a Christian man seek sex outside marriage? Sex is a major reason for infidelity.  Yes, there are some exceptional men who no matter how much sex they’re having at home, they’re unfaithful. Those sort of men might have a sex addiction imo.

The comedian Christ Rock touches on this in his Total Blackout Tanborine Extended cut comedy sketch on Netflix.

Chris says, “You wanna stay together. But how do you stay together? You gotta have sex. It’s that simple, you gotsta have sex. People will say, “oh when we got together, it was so much fun but then problems arose.” No they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were having sex, so you forgave. That’s right, you knew he didn’t do dishes, you knew she couldn’t cook.  You got to keep it up no matter what mood you’re in, you got to keep it moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you.”

There is an element of truth in what he says here. Yeah people change, yeah new situations arise, however how often do couples have sex when these things happen? Do they have more sex or less sex? 

Ramp it up this Valentine’s Day.

As a menopausal woman, I got to talk about this. Menopause might mean your sex drive might be low or you might be experiencing vaginal dryness.

Virginal dryness? – use a lubricant or have extended foreplay. Extended foreplay works great if both of you focus and concentrate. Give yourself time, don’t rush it. Play soft music, bring your mind into your lovemaking and don’t think of the other things you have to do in life. 

Low sex drive? – Rev your engine like you would rev the engine of a car that’s been sitting in the garage for months. Get yourself in the mood first by putting on the underwear that he bought you.  The one that feels like your butt cheeks are going to split in half. The one he bought for you but actually for himself.  Put on some nice music. Music you can dance to, music that’s not too slow or too fast. Music that’s perfect for sex. Turn your back to him, give him a nice view of “his” underwear and dance. Think of your dance only and make it as erotic as you can. Slowly drive yourself up from a low state to a state of high sexual arousal.  If this doesn’t work, then you need some serious Holy Ghost fire to burn your ass into the mood.

If this is not you, he’s gonna be shocked. Hahahaha! Make sure you practice in front of a mirror beforehand so you don’t look clumsy. Sexy is the aim not clumsy. That saying, a good man should see beyond that and appreciate your effort.

I once heard a sister say she and her hubby listen to praise and worship songs during sex. Raise your hand if this is you, I’m not knocking anyone’s music preferences. I just can’t see how anyone can make the session erotic if they’re listening to that sort of music. 

Where to get butt splitting knickers.

Here are some brands to check out online. Savage Fenty is great because a lot of the underwear is modelled by full bodied women.  You have to join Savage Fenty’s ViP programme to buy. If you see stuff you like, join, buy and cancel your membership when you’ve received your items to avoid subscription fees. Boux Avenue, Victoria’s Secrets, Intimissmi are all affordable. Don’t buy Marks and Spencer for this show.

Lastly, you’ve reached or past midlife doesn’t mean you’re past it. We’re only past it when we die. I would love to hear how you got on, you can leave a comment below or send me a message on Instagram.

Wishing you love and spicy sex this season. 



“This girl is on fire, this girl is on fire” 🎶

Okay, so you might be a woman on fire married to a man who’s lacking in that area. A “wham, bang, done in 2 mins, fall asleep and start snoring type of fella”. The type of man who has no idea his wife avoids sex because he ain’t doing it great.  The type of man who doesn’t realise his wife’s lays down like a log because he doesn’t excite her.

Tell him!!  Gently though. So he can get his s**t together and give you a good time.

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