This the first in a series of sex themed blogs.
I feel as if I’m having more sex now than I did 10 years ago. 10 years ago I went through a midlife crisis. It’s interesting that people link midlife crisis to late 40’s early 50’s. What percentage of the world’s population live to 100 years? I’m thinking 99.9% don’t make it. So is mid life really half of 100 years?
Anyways, 10 years ago I went through a midlife crisis. Yeah we had lots of sex but I can’t even remember what it’s was like. Which means my mind was often not there. My mind was often weighed down with what I wanted to do with my life and my life as it was. 10 years ago my daughter was six. 10 years ago, I felt I was trapped in a school run and after school activity cycle. One part of me wanted to be a mother and another part of me wanted to travel the world for work and pleasure and be free from all that. Sex was at the bottom of the list of my priorities.
My sex life changed when I started my journey of self discovery and self development. My feeling of being trapped changed when driving home one day after school pick up, I heard the voice of the Lord telling me to enjoy the ride now because one day she would not need me to do it.
One of the results of my self discovery journey was the decision to be a better and more considerate lover. When I got married, I was very shy about sex. I went from being too shy to be great at it to being too preoccupied to be great at it. Sometime between 40’s and 50’s, I’ve gone from being shy, preoccupied, to paying a lot (there’s always room for improvement ) more attention to what rocks my husbands boat. So much so that he often says he can’t believe that after 25+ years he’s still finds me very sexy (on average, we rock the sex boat about 3 times a week). I didn’t marry a sexually reserved man. I married a considerate emotionally intelligent man man who feels that within marriage, a couple should fully embrace and enjoy sex without inhibitions. He has helped me become a woman who does that.
Here’s the interesting thing about life.
We are young, carefree, full of sexual energy.
We get married, start our working life, start a family, the sexual energy diminishes.
We are in our older years, know what to expect from work, family are grown and independent, sexual energy comes back.
Isn’t this how it is or how it should be?
But alas! It can not be for various reasons like midlife crisis, menopausal symptoms, erectile disfunction, loss of energy, loss of body confidence, loss of desire, broken relationship, ill-health, working life crisis, separation, divorce etc.
Personally, I find that a healthier lifestyle (body and mind) has helped me deal with the possibility of all the physical sex road blocks listed above which apply to women. I very much believe in prevention and minimisation. Taking care of my body and mind has a positive effect on my sex life. Yes we grow older, yes the body degenerates, yes we can deal with that by ‘servicing’ our body regularly – giving it good fuel and regular exercise.
Menopause has a huge impact on women. The good news is, yes it passes, yes there are remedies to help with vaginal dryness, pain, hot flushes, mood etc. If you want to continue to have great sex during that time, do your research. For example, there is research that indicates that hormonal hot flushes might be connected to lifestyle. Lifestyle changes have to be made.
The mental aspect is also huge. My mind has to be there to enjoy it.
I’ll give you an example. Yesterday, I was preoccupied with what I had to do. Some ironing and cooking which I both dislike. We had the house to ourselves. When we have the house to ourselves, usually, only one thing to comes to mind…. lol
But I said not now! I was watching a bank heist film on Netflix whilst I was ironing and I had food to cook afterwards. I’m never in a great mood when I have to cook. “I’ll help you with the cooking” my husband says. “No no no!” I reply.
He gets on the bed and watches me iron, then he asks me to iron in my panties so he can get a nice view. I oblige, anything to get him off my back. My other half, 95% of the time only ever pays closer attention to how I look when I take off my clothes. I could be dressed up to the max, he wouldn’t notice, but the minute I start taking my clothes off, I’ve got his full 100% attention. Typical man!
So maybe ironing in my panties was not a good idea if I wanted to cook afterwards. Anyways, I had a little think, why be so rigid? I switched off the movie (a bank heist movie is a sexual mood killer), took off all my clothes and finished ironing in my lacy underwear. Afterwards, we took full advantage of the fact that we were home alone and could make a lot of noise. Later that night, I heard the words, “You see! Did you or did you not get everything done today?”
Going back to my Facebook statement/question, a doctor friend responded with comments that was very close to what I had been thinking, she said, “Sex gets better as one gets older. Lots of women who as young women were shy and reserved get very bold as they are more mature and comfortable with their partners. Seductions are shared without inhibitions due to maturity and understanding one another.”
This coupled with the fact that the children are older and don’t take up my energy. As women, by the time we’ve done this, that and everything for young children as well as go about our own business, the energy to engage in vigorous sexual activity just ain’t there. But when I take that out of the equation, it makes a huge difference.
I feel that in my older years, I’ve become more liberated, less shy, more considerate, more mature, more comfortable with my body and spouse, less burdened. The burdened bit is not because I don’t have burdens, it’s because I choose to focus on the gift of life and all the positives. Once upon a time, I would let my burdens overwhelm me and I didn’t live fully. Now, whenever I have a problem, problems that are not life and death, I take a few minutes to think…. I’m alive.. (Thank God) okay.. then this can be solved. So when it comes down to sex, as a woman, I have to make that switch in my mind, relax and enjoy it, because quite frankly, afterwards I feel good.
When it comes to sex, my preference is “au natural” however, each to their own, right?
Something for the men, a friend once said a woman who doesn’t enjoy sex is probably with a man who needs to improve his skills. If you are always being brushed off by your spouse, maybe it’s time to dig a little bit deeper. Leave your ego outside the door before you do so.
I’d love to hear what you think about this post. 🧡K